You’ve Been Blocked: Volume II
Haves and Have-Nots Create Further Blocking for Gay Men

Why Are Gay Men Prone to Feeling Like a “Have-Not?”

Traditional factors that are associated with being designated as a “Have” vs. a “Have-Not” typically include measurements of financial and resource based advantages that allow for a more privileged life. The Have/Have-not disparity applies to gay men in a very specific manner. "Have” vs. Have-Not is being referenced in You’ve Been Blocked to illustrate the following philosophy:

Regardless of factors that would be considered as a traditional measurement of what constitutes a person who is a “Have.”Gay men were impacted by childhood distortions of what equates a “Have” from a “Have-not.” The fundamental basis might begin with a somewhat unknowing distorted conclusion that they are not actually gay; as far as most young gay boys know, there is no such thing one way or the other. More correctly, most young gay boys cannot yet fully comprehend their sexual identity yet.

From here it moves to an urgent need to repress or block these different “otherness” feelings that they cannot easily label or officially identify as “gay.” The entire process will likely leave many gay boys with various reactions. Some may develop transient, more vague feelings of confusion or inadequacy; they may not be able to pinpoint what and why they have these deep insecurities at various points in their childhoods. Others identify with a profound sense of self-disgust because of their secretive same sex attraction that leaves them feeling dirty and deviant. Many gay boys secretly feel significantly different from the majority of all other boys. This deeply rooted sense of inadequacy creates a high potential for feeling they are missing out and don’t deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Hence, gay boys are apt to engage in a pattern of being or feeling like a perpetual Have-not,

Even as adults, some gay men continue to respond to the presumption that external sources both in and outside of the GMC will have authority to dictate and assess who and what is a “Have” vs. a “Have-Not.” Some gay men respond to a collective judgment in the GMC; this creates a perceived pressure to adhere to, become or obtain qualities that some in the GMC consider advantageous and associated with “Have’s.” However, the definition of a Have vs. Have-Not is ultimately a subjective, individual determination that is made by consenting willing and cognitively aware adults.  Gay men have the option to reject the whole Have-Have-not imposed premise that may have been caused by faulty learned beliefs from childhood.

Many gay men experience a relatively troubled childhood. Their reality includes frequently feeling they can’t, don’t, or won’t have much of what they want. For many gay men, early in their childhoods, prior to being coerced to be, act, and think a certain (straight-normal) way, they grow up frequently wishing they could reasonably and comfortably be their gay selves. Instead, they encounter various overt and covert messages that lead them to believe they must repress this part or rebrand themselves as straight.

Gay adolescents would otherwise want to be their gay selves, feeling safe and comfortable engaging with other male peers as they would naturally desire, but they generally are unable to do so. They are a vast minority among highly insensitive, reactive peers, even in more “tolerant” times, many of whom automatically find gayness in males unappealing. Gay men sometimes attempt to connect with other gay or straight men who are not responsive, not interested, not available, or may not even be gay. Gay men want to be accepted by straight people and also by other gay men, but this is not always feasible and not guaranteed to happen, regardless of their desires. Identifying with a “have-not” reality is common to many gay men because of repeating blocking that leads to disappointment, rejection, frustration, regret, loss, and sorrow.

Most Gay Boys Grow Up Feeling Like Have-Nots in Environments that Presume, Expect, or Hope They Are Straight-Normal

While society makes varied attempts to embrace “diversity,” most social frameworks are preset for the heterosexual majority. During childhood, most gay men are invariably have-nots in the sense that they miss out on the bulk of a heteronormalized social system; they really can’t have comparable access to the benefits of being a heterosexual “have.”

When gay men are growing up as young boys, most environments (i.e. parents/family, school/peers/teachers, or similar influences) presume or sometimes prefer that they are straight. The vast majority of the other boys are presumed to be straight, and they actually are straight. Compared to gay boys, heterosexual boys are “haves” because they are potentially less confused about their identity and less blocked from their true selves.

Straight boys have a clearer sense of congruence with less thought needed or given about who they are on a basic level. Straight boys enjoy a default experience of clarity that syncs and accurately, openly clearly supports who they are. Most external environments cater to heterosexual males, so being straight is sometimes seemingly reinforced as the only normal version.

This is, obviously, completely different for gay boys. Gay boys are a unique minority of young boys. Consequently, they grow up very differently from heterosexual boys. Regardless of financial means, they are basically “on the outside looking in.” Even more infuriating to these gay boys is their later realization that their feelings of being a “Have-not” were forcibly mostly according to someone else’s definition of what a “have” is. Many were told or even felt threatened about what is supposedly normal, okay, and preferred; this represented a staunch comparison and contradiction to their own natural self-endorsement as a (gay) boy who is different from what is modeled as normal and preferred).

Gay men experience years of feeling like have-nots, leading some to take drastic actions to try to feel like, be, or become a “have;” this may include attempts to act or be straight/deeply closeted at certain points or sometimes permanently. In the GMC, they might try to become the illusion of perfection as described in the M-Ranking Valuation. Other efforts to mitigate the Have-not dark cloud include codependent people pleasing and developing deeply rooted self-loathing and self-devaluation In many instances, gay boys feel like have-nots because they feel shamefully abnormal and systematically compare themselves to others. This comparison frequently leads to feeling an awkward marginalization even if they make concerted efforts to project a confident or arrogant outward image. Gay boys may feel they are internally conflicted, grappling with self-loathing and anti-gay feelings, while they are also desperate to achieve a sense of unconditional acceptance, approval and somehow becoming a “Have vs. “Have-not.”

Gay Boys Continue to Feel Blocked Because of Have-Not Feelings

Gay boys sometimes feel that they must desperately beg for some measly sordid approval as they repeatedly compare themselves to other male peers. Because of this mostly secretive, covert self-limiting process, there is lacking parental intervention to redirect, sending a message that “You shouldn’t feel like this; you’re okay as you are.”

(Duly noted here is that heterosexual teenage children don’t necessarily always have open, extensive, constructive, affirming discussions about sex, self-esteem, “coming of age” and related issues with their parents either. However, the lacking redirect from parents will impact gay boys/teens more significantly due to their more pronounced fundamental Have-not tendency.)

Having an “openness” with parents may be advantageous, but it isn’t realistic for many gay children, even today. The critical difference is that gay boys are mostly coming from a place of shame, confusion, fear, and resistance to their gay reality. Straight male children just have to be their naturally occurring straight selves. Straight boys don’t have to resist, deny, or feel ashamed for being straight. In a marked contrast, gay boys frequently inherently feel full of shame for their gay feelings and pending identity development.

As they enter adolescence, most gay boys begin to identify more critical components of their sexuality; they become clear about their sexual attraction to other boys. However, despite this flood of heightened awareness, gay male teens are less likely to generate much, if any, mature expounding conversation, especially about their sexual orientation, with their parents or similar adult figures. Gay adolescents can develop a secretive restriction that is usually not divulged to most peers or friends; they sometimes feel almost paralyzed struggling with their sexual identity acceptance. When gay boys are blocked and collude in blocking their reality, the have-not feelings are exacerbated by inhibiting playful outlets and opportunities that straight boys enjoy, Straight boys can opt to discuss who they have a crush on and who’s cute, etc. Whereas gay boys literally shut off, shut down and block that otherwise normal sharing adolescent outlet.

Gay Restrictions Leave Younger Gay Boys Minimal Options to Comfortably Express and Explore Normal Interest in Other Males

The abnormal childhood continues to power a have-not position. However, straight children have a more normalized range and default frame of options and trajectories; they can experiment, learn, explore, and openly express more about their feelings and interests without feeling ashamed or deviant.

Gay boys will almost always question how they are perceived; they often try to imagine or fake that they are straight, exacerbating the comparing process and have-not feelings. Development of have-not feelings of inadequacy is based on this fundamental rejection of their identity and who they are.

Gay Boys Comparing Themselves to Other Boys Creates a Sense of Inadequacy

Some gay boys not only feel like “have-nots,” but they rationalize that they deserve to be and feel that way. Young gay boys are likely to feel that they don’t have something good, desirable, appealing, positive or “normal” like the other straight boys.

Gay boys privately fester in a cavernous sense of inadequacy, shame, embarrassment, fear, and inequality when they obsessively compare themselves to others; they focus on deficiencies and what they don’t have. Young gay boys do not have many options for an identity connection with the overwhelming majority of their straight peers. Gay boys end up yearning for what they cannot have. This scenario will be difficult to change because gay boys are a significant minority.

A double layer of emotional injury and pain can intensify as young gay boys naturally develop fantasies and sexual attraction toward these other unavailable, disinterested, mostly straight peers. Some of these adored peers react quite negatively to any hint of interest from a gay boy; the straight peers can be hostile, hateful, and defensive.

Many gay men continue to struggle not to become victims of the vicious have/have-not cycle into their adulthood. This pattern may persist until gay men develop improved insight and affirmative self-care. Gay men chasing the perfect M-Ranking are still seeking to become that elusive, idealized “have” holdover from their flat, blocked childhood.

None of the desperate efforts or compensatory actions initiated by some gay boys to synthetically force a “have” element will eliminate homosexual orientation. Society is bound to view straight men primarily as straight-normal; in contrast, stabilizing “gay-normal” is limited in parts of society and can be perceived by some gay men as limiting.

“Fake it till ya make it” doesn’t suffice for have-nots who portray themselves as inauthentic versions of a “have.” Gay boys may find themselves hiding, repressing, avoiding, denying, deluding, colluding, lying, and trying to fit in as straight. Some gay boys, teens, and adult gay men try to overcompensate as they begin to overachieve or underachieve in school or similar, and later in life. They sometimes think compensation and people-pleasing will relieve the painful have-not feelings. But inauthenticity will not make a gay boy a “have,” and it won’t make them straight or “straight-normal.” Gay boys often still feel that deep sense of being a have-not.

CRITICAL THINKING CHOICE CHECKPOINT #11

Gay men are likely to perceive that much of what they want, they can’t, don’t, or won’t have. In addition to coming to terms with their sexual identity and self-acceptance, they may have to accept that some things may not be as they hoped.

Equality Is Mostly in Place and Already Offers Very Basic “Fairness”

Legal and political frameworks are in place that create a standardization of comparable rights for all US citizens. In more recent years, this also includes gay people. Equality matters are mandated through legal and political processes to bring uniform rights to all Americans. Equality levels for Americans are theoretically crafted not to be determined by or based on factors such as race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, financial status, physical appearance, or abilities.

Equity (of Outcome)

Equity is different from equality. It describes a state of achievement that requires manipulation to synthetically adjust various natural fluctuations and limitations to forcibly create a more equitable or “fair” situation. On some level, there is a utopic objective of controlling and changing what people believe, think, or feel in addition to their outward behaviors. A state of equity typically involves manipulating and redistributing extensive wealth and resources, such as what is sometimes promoted by socialism-leaning or communist political frameworks.

Level Playing Field (LPF)

The distinction between equality and equity is essential to understand and is also relevant to gay men. The level playing field (LPF) refers to a status and quality of life created by the application of equality. A country, society, or government, such as the United States, can opt to facilitate a level playing field through the established social, political, and legal framework. With an LPF in place, individual citizens determine what their own level of equity will be and how it will be defined and achieved through the choices they make; they operate within the parameters and provisions of equality.

Equality Is Not Necessarily Fair and Equitable

The term level playing field has diverse connotations in the same way there are differing perceptions of the concept of fairness. The idea that an LPF is equal but not necessarily fair or equitable is unacceptable to some people, especially in recent times, including many ill-informed, self-entitled gay men. A society functioning within the rationale of an LPF will not create regulated, special advantages or considerations for any group. For example, not having federally sanctioned marriage equality was not equal and not acceptable. This was finally changed in 2015 so that same-sex couples can marry and be recognized across all 50 states.

Regardless of all other factors and resources (such as wealth, influence, resources, privilege, timing, or good luck), the LPF operates amid a framework of equality. For example, every qualified, eligible, compliant person is legally authorized to vote; the rights are established, regardless of race, religion, income level, intelligence level, fitness and performance-level, gender, or sexual orientation, to name a few. It should be obvious to everyone that an equal country have free, fair and legitimate elections, similar to the provisions of free speech.

Most anyone can opt to run their lives a certain way; this includes a presence or absence of values and varied perceptions and definitions of accommodating and facilitating a sense of order, basic respect of boundaries, human decency, class, etiquette, and work ethic. Depending on their relevance and application, some of these matters can make some gay men feel like have-nots.

Equality Is an Amazing Opportunity for US Citizens,

Including Gay Men, but Equity Is a Theoretical “Option” in Other Countries

with Different Political Frameworks

Equality means that most anyone, including gay men, can opt to earn a living. They can start a business, go to college, openly enter the military, attend a trade school or similar—or not; they can be a parent or not. They can marry another person who is legally eligible regardless of either person’s self-identification of gender, and the actions and events will be equally recognized under federal law in the United States.

The melting pot of diversity in the United States promotes equality but will not include guaranteed equity. Gay men are frequently criticized and disliked by others, which does certainly render their lives potentially more difficult and seemingly less fair. Hence, the world for gay men is now more sustaining of equality but is especially still considered inequitable and grossly unfair at times. The reality is that society in general can be encouraged—but not forced—to like and approve of gay men.

Theoretically, any qualified individual can be hired for a job, admitted to a school, or chosen for various opportunities, just like anyone else. If their rights are violated and there is legitimate, proven discrimination, there are normally legal channels to pursue and various consequences in place. There is no standardized guarantee for fairness. Some parents, teachers, landlords, business owners, or politicians, for example, may not like gay men regardless of what statements they make; this can be especially damaging when those in some position of power or authority have a negative response to gay men. We can’t force people to think a certain way outside of applicable, measurable legal frameworks.

Inequity exists for multiple reasons despite a of equality. Potentially, . They may not be as smart, attractive, fun, or charismatic, or have as many friends, connections, or “likes” on social media. Some gay men have an easier time in the GMC and in life in general than others. Anyone may be perceived in a multitude of ways. Anyone may be subjectively less interesting; they may be average, have lousy luck, lack charisma or stately social/financial connections.

Equity of Outcome Will Probably Never Be an Option

There is inequity when comparing and contrasting the lives of gay men to those of straight men, and this will not considerably change in the future. Gay boys growing up do not have the same option or “right” to have a process that corresponds with the one straight boys have. Because of their sexual orientation, they grow up with a different operating system than most other children who are not gay that they may not know how to interpret and respond to, especially at younger ages.

Straight males don’t have to wonder or worry about their gayness, since they are not gay; Straight males may choose to become informed or tolerant about other gay men. Gay men have to strategize how to personally respond to comprehending and embracing their own differing sexual orientation, which is quite different from the process of straight males; straight males will not be subjected to comparable judgment and criticism from others like gay men are.

Mainstream society is primarily heterosexual and generally will not cater to a homosexual identity by default, despite recent “woke” trends and various societal pressures. There are improved equal, legal, and political frameworks in place to regulate equality and avoid discrimination. Regardless, things may still not always be fair for gay boys and gay men. The inequity for gay boys continues to be an unfortunate reality that certainly impacted adult gay men while they were muddling their way through their childhoods.

Equality Does Not Guarantee Fairness or Equity and Does Not Prevent Blocking

There is no guarantee that all Americans, for example, will think, believe, and feel the same way about mandated equality protections for gay men. Even if gay men have similar legal rights, this does not guarantee equity or fairness. Someone or something in a position of power who has an issue with gay men can choose to misuse and abuse that power and potentially not have any consequences.

Whether they are always functionally enforced and followed, there are policies and laws in place that offer improved equal rights and more on behalf of marginalized groups like gay men who were previously much more marginalized because of inequality. However, gay men may still feel repressed and actually experience discrimination, which can occur regardless of legal or political change and influence

Gay boys and gay men may continue to be unfairly blocked or discriminated against sometimes in ways that may qualify for legal consequences; other times, theyWhile life may feel and sometimes be unfair and inequitable, gay men have some critical legal rights and security enjoyed by all people, regardless of sexual orientation. This includes options like marriage equality, and improved levels of protection from discrimination in various capacities and settings, voting rights, and similar.25

It is not a perfect system, the concept of a level playing field is now more applicable to gay men, even though the idea of perfectly fair treatment may be challenged and still end up being perceived as unfair or discriminatory. Even with a more equality-based, leveled playing field established, there are those that do not like or approve of gay men. If gay men enable or somehow entertain these negative responses they make themselves more of have-not by essentially caring what others think.

The empowerment and recovery process requires perseverance regardless of the status of past inequality, As adults, gay men have to do the work and recover from any historical or present damage. This may mean learning how to let go of over-relying on external assessment and approval. Self-empowerment will become more obtainable by acceptance of equality over less realistic expectations of equity; for some gay men, this means getting out of a self-inflicted victim mode.

CRITICAL THINKING CHOICE CHECKPOINT

Gay men must become their own version of “movers and shakers” and play the hand from the deck they were dealt. Being or feeling like a victim, or being victimized in the past posed challenging circumstances; remaining a victim will not resolve current challenges.

The Gay Male Community Has its Own Brand of Have/Have-Not that Becomes a Critical Transcending Point of Possible Evolvement—or Not

The long history of being blocked is just the beginning of the have/have-not mode for gay men. After living through Dimensions #1 and #2 through childhood and persisting in to adulthood, there is still yet another dimension from the GMC itself. Discrimination, unfair dismissiveness, and rejection happens right in the GMC (also known as Dimension 3) emanating from other gay men.

Ironically, the whole have/have-not process is basically a subjective conclusion. Gay men can choose to evolve as they realize the have/have-not disparity is primarily subjective and determined by their own deferment to the impact of external assessment. The key here is that their individual ego strength is also “determined” to be whatever individual gay men make it.

Theoretically, if gay men can deflect the external past, present, and future determinants, such internalizing the impact of comparing self to others including other gay men. The concepts and impact of have/have-not can be minimized or extinguished. This includes the even more insidious impact of the have/have-not hierarchy of the very judgmental superficial M-Ranking scale within the GMC itself.

The GMC has its own unique variation of have/have-not factors in addition to the already existing have/have-not implications in our general society. When gay men compare themselves to other gay men they often feel inadequate. This presence of a perceived inequality (have/have-not) within the GMC further complicates the dynamics between adult gay men; there are increased feelings of either arrogance or resentment and envy between and among other gay men in the GMC. Much of these have/have-not factors are accounted for when gay men choose to prioritize and follow the shallow values of the M-Ranking’s search for perfection. Many measurements of the have/have-not attributes are based on differing superficial aesthetics like being more straight-passing, having model-like looks and greater wealth, power and connections.

Some Gay Men Have Been “Dealt a Better Hand”

For a variety of reasons and factors, a person who may be perceived or self-perceived as a stereotypical "have" may be someone who has generally experienced a more pleasant life overall, who has an affinity for their life, and who is, generally, genuinely happy. A “have” is more apt to be and feel free of stress and excessive worry, anxiety, depression, and unpleasant emotions like anger, rage, resentment, and envy. Some gay men may feel genuinely satisfied, gratified, adequately validated, and be validating and self-loving, with a strong, nonconforming sense of self; furthermore, this is not necessarily related to income, material possessions, or approval-seeking from others. Some gay men seem to have it easier or encounter less dversity than others, regardless of any extenuating circumstances. This is mostly subjective.

24 Berman, R., & Sanfins, A., PhD (2022, October 10). LGBTQ youth coming out younger, facing more discrimination. Medicalnewstoday.com. https://www.washingtonblade.com/2021/08/11/the-lgbtq-generational-wealth-gap/

25 Liptak, A. (2021, October 14). Civil Rights Law Protects Gay and Transgender Workers, Supreme Court Rules. NY Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/15/us/gay-transgender-workers-supreme-court.html