Self-Esteem, The Have / Have-Not Disparity and
the importance of Internal approval

Similar to many aspects of individual therapy and positive constructive progress, when thinking about couples, relationships and interpersonal situations and therapy, the concept of validation is equally critical. By creating a sense of collective/mutual validation we are able to understand and feel understood by others/our partner/significant other, etc., mirroring and empathizing.

Therapy can help create and fostering a sense of mutual validation and empathy; this facilitates a sense of mutual understanding between the couple/family members in treatment. Many positive aftereffects arise, such as improved communication, better listening skills and improved abilities to minimize or manage conflict and confrontation.

The “Couples Dialogue” is a three-step technique that focuses on
1. “Mirroring” which is basically a type of ultra-detailed, mimicking, reflective listening skill
“Yes.. I hear you..”
2. “Validating,” which offers a sense of being and feeling mutually understood. “Yes, I get you..”
3. “Empathy,” which promotes a deeper emotional sense of being and feeling understood “Yes, I know how you feel and can imagine how you feel.”

Relationships can be complicated entities. Research has shown that the more successful relationships tend to start off with a combination of similar values and commonalities in cultural/religious and family backgrounds.

INTIMACY

Communication, trust, mutual respect, sharing realities with each other that builds deeper romantic, physical and emotional intimate connection.

Healthy ingredients for a solid relationship/marriage: Some have referred to "The Three Legs of A Healthy relationship." These are reportedly selflessness (humility/being a "Mensch.") Forgiveness, (being flexible and realistic.) The last leg of the stool is communication.

Sometimes it is helpful to complete an inventory with the intention to establish clarification about why this relationship came to be more than just a friendship or nothing at all as most initial meetings end up. (What is the connection about/why are you together etc.) This is a prudent time to also explore what the boundaries are in this relationship, including how each person defines what a relationship means and what the potentially different perceptions and expectations consist of. It is time to do a deeper analysis of the relationship dynamics at play.

When considering the boundaries in the relationship, there is the option for maintaining some type of non-monogamous relationship, sometimes referred to as an Open Relationship. These types of relationships are more commonly seen among gay men for various comprehensive reasons. Complications arise with open relationships when the implied rules, understanding and boundaries do not line up between the partners. It could be that one of the partners ideally really doesn’t want or condone the openness, but is going along with it to suit the needs of the other partner in the relationship. What sometimes occurs is that there is an emotional bond that occurs with one of the "open" side-relationships creating disruption and confusion. Relationship therapy (couples counseling) can provide the forum from which to discuss these more delicate and sometimes complicated matters.

One of the more distressing parts of life and of relationships is when there is escalating conflict that often leads to a dissolution/break up or divorce of the relationship. This office errs on the conservative side with regard to break-ups, because the consequences and end results can be potentially so severe and permanent.

It is true that relationships can heal from trauma and damage, such as infidelity (cheating.) This can be a challenging and fragile process where there has to be true investment in moving forward by both persons in the relationship. The necessary ingredients for recovery from this type of indiscretion is about patience, forgiveness, honesty, trust, compromise, common sense and critical thinking. For example, can you envision yourself not repeating this behavior/ not acting out (again) with infidelity or can you go deep and consider the pros and cons of forgiveness? Do you want to forgive and move forward? Ideally, there must be conjoint willingness to make sacrifices such as possibly being scrutinized in a different manner while trust is presumably being reconstructed through reconciliation/rebuilding the relationship components back together again.

Sometimes people stay in relationships that would be considered less than ideal or objectively unhealthy. Some relationships are not traditional or conformed to some collective externally determined “norm.”

On occasion, individuals and couples will come to an understanding where they choose to accept the limitations of their relationship along with the benefits; this may include companionship, or determining that staying in an imperfect arrangement is better than being alone. Sometimes there are financial considerations at play; some couples decide not to get legally divorced because it is financially more advantageous for both parties, or they have other types of non-traditional arrangements.

While *codependency is not preferred, it is also not uncommonly seen in relationships and may even have some degree of functionality.

*Read more about codependency under the Chemical Dependency Page.

Anger is a type of emotion that most all human beings experience and express or have some “need” to express at some point or various times in their lives and in various scenarios.

Sometimes we hold on to anger because we fear that letting it go will be too frightening or something might explode or escalate. We might fear that expressing the anger is scary or undesirable, thinking that there is a desire to not be perceived as an angry person. Many people end up repressing their anger and then become depressed or develop other mental health issues, conditions and physical conditions. Sometimes they are not being assertive or setting appropriate boundaries that would otherwise indicate a healthier sense of self and self-respect. Saying “Yes” when they mean "No" and saying “No” when they wanted to say “Yes,” might just make you angry and feel blocked.

There may be a fear or resistance or some distorted thoughts, also known as a cognitive distortion, surrounding one’s personal feelings of anger or similar emotions, like rage or resentment, to or about some issue or that would otherwise be directed at some person or entity. The feelings of pent up or repressed anger may be difficult to let out or channel constructively because there can be hesitation and fear that doing so would be letting someone or some thing get “off the hook” and get away with hurting us or disrespecting us or having created a sense of being subjugated and invalidated.

The anger may persist because there are feelings that justice has not been achieved yet. The source of the anger owes us something and letting the anger go may feel like handing a win over to the offense. It is challenging to readily let go of anger because there are feelings that if we don’t maintain the angry resentment, there is a loss of control or pride or letting someone get away with something. Anger is frequently smoldering but not effectively released.

Cycle of Domestic Violence/ what does the term “Domestic Violence” actually mean?
Domestic violence describes a volatile, threatening, abusive type of conflict within a couple, family or similar constellation. Domestic violence refers not only to physical violence and abuse, but also to verbal, emotional and sometimes even psychological abuse or similar threatening confrontations, sometimes called “posturing.” So just because there may be an absence of physical violence, there can still definitely be a domestic violence scenario playing out with verbally abusive and other threatening, posturing and fear and intimidation-based situations.

There is a commonly identified “Cycle of Domestic Violence” (DV) that occurs with domestic violence situations. There are several phases to the cycle, which is an insidious and self-perpetuating vicious cycle that often times is uncontrollably persistent for many years or indefinite periods of time. People that are in unhealthy, abusive or codependent relationships are more likely to experience some time of domestic violence including the classic phases of this cycle.

• Phase 1 “Normal” or “Honeymoon Phase” Where it may seem like there is peace and harmony or no problem present or perhaps major denial or distorted thinking that “the (domestic violence) problem is non-existent or gone…” But the DV is never just simply gone without some type of profound intervention, treatment or assistance.
• Phase 2 Tension-building phase Where the alluring idealistic peaceful situation starts to subside and become increasingly conflictual with more tendency towards fighting, arguing, beginning to become threatening again.
• Phase 3 The Battering Where there is the actual peak of the abuse in a physical altercation, attack or beating or extreme verbal altercation or similar emotionally abusive attack.
• Phase 4 The Make-Up phase- Where there may be a temporary truce, along with redundant predictable empty promises that it will never happen again or sociopathic denial as if the battering never happened at all or as if this is a normal “perfect” relationship or family (very common with personality disorders and with severe alcoholism/drug addiction/alcoholic family systems.)

Not always the case but sometimes the batterer has to be separated (move out/live apart) from the abuse victim, or some type of separation is necessary to elicit an effective healing and recovery phase that will hopefully be more permanent. The classic example is when a battered wife/mother finally is able to leave and seek refuge at a shelter, family or friend’s residence to intervene the vicious cycle, let alone to protect from further harm or death (i.e. OJ Simpson.)

During this separation time, all parties potentially will need a multi-disciplined course of treatment that may include individual and or conjoint or family therapy, 12-step programs, like al-anon, anger-management or domestic-violence diversion groups or treatment (sometimes court-ordered.) During these treatments there is a focus on learning how to properly communicate, manage stress and triggers, clarifying what healthier boundaries consist of and education about the cycle of violence and the important classic stages of violence and what “domestic violence” really means and why it typically occurs in general and in specific individual personal cases/incidents.

Hopefully, after treatment, recovery and increased awareness and healthier coping skills and tools are learned and applied, the couple or family can be re-united and live in a DV-free environment finally. In some cases the conflict cannot be resolved and some type of split (divorce/break-up) is inevitable and unfortunately necessitated.)

Some examples of treatment approaches and related goals pertaining to improved management of anger are as follows:

In general, anger management is an elaborate label for achieving an improved level of insight into one’s emotions- all emotions, not just that of anger. All emotions need to be assessed, because often times there is a lot emotional substitution going on. A classic example was Freud’s contention that depression was essentially about anger turned inward. In other words, if anger is not managed properly it can be disguised or transformed in to feelings and symptoms of depression.

Similarly, there are a multitude of feelings that can be misperceived as something else or manifested as something else when they are not constructively identified and channeled appropriately. For example, some people struggling with anger might be exhibiting other symptoms, like depression, irritability/agitation, inappropriate laughing or disconnected emotional expression (flat affect/numbness.) Some clients come to find out they are giggling or laughing when they really are screaming inside or are devastated about something. These are paradoxical  self-protective defenses.

1. Identifying and educating what “anger” is, what causes it and if it is always a bad thing. Establishing realistic expectations of what anger emotions and management of emotions should be consist of.
2. Identifying which specific emotions and feelings are being experienced right now and what your identifiable various potential emotions and feelings actually might be.
3. Identifying triggers for these emotions; analyzing the typical scenario of how they play out.
4. Identifying how “transference” is relevant to the various emotional triggers- meaning what other related factors or previous experiences / history of similar dynamics is playing out.
5. Assertiveness training- teaching other options to manage emotions, such as anger. Assisting with improved communication
6. Working on learning coping mechanisms as a means for prevention, such as relaxation exercises/activities, meditation, yoga, exercise/fitness, hobbies, leisure/fun, or other various stress management efforts.